The Internet Tribune presents 10 of its 20 recurring comic strips in this issue. All strips feature original characters in ongoing continuity. Next issue: strips 11–20.
THE DIAL-UP HOURS
By K. Misko
[Old man at desk,
modem blinking]
HAROLD: The internet is taking forever to connect again.
[Woman looks up
from newspaper]
ETHEL: That’s because you have the patience setting turned up to 1998.
HAROLD: That’s my favorite setting.
[Modem finally
connects with
satisfying screech]
HAROLD: There it is.
ETHEL: Was it worth the wait?
HAROLD: Always.
MODEL BEHAVIOR
By P. Czerwinski
[Young woman at
fitting room desk]
CLIENT: I need an AI that won’t interrupt me when I’m thinking.
FITTER: How long do you usually think?
[Thoughtful pause]
CLIENT: …
CLIENT: …
CLIENT: A while.
[Fitter writing notes]
FITTER: I’m noting “substantial patience required.”
CLIENT: Also I don’t like the word “substantial.”
THE BLACK ROD
By Tribune Staff
[ROD at desk,
surrounded by papers,
measuring something]
ROD: This story is 4.5 column inches. It needs to be 4.
REPORTER: But there’s more to say—
[ROD holds up ruler]
ROD: There is always more to say. The column inch is not a limitation. It is a discipline.
[Reporter at keyboard]
REPORTER: Does that apply to your own column?
ROD: My column is exempt.
REPORTER: That seems unfair.
ROD: That’s three column inches of observation. Cut it to one.
KEV ON ICE
By D. Pavalko Jr.
[Kev Gallucci at
locker room, phone
in hand]
KEV: [to phone] Okay, what did I miss in last night’s film?
[Phone glowing
with response]
MODEL: You lost the puck on three defensive zone entries due to unnecessary edge-work. Also you looked at the net before you passed every time.
[Coach Drewicz
appears in doorway]
DREWICZ: Are you using the AI again?
KEV: No.
DREWICZ: Your model just texted me the same notes.
KEV: That’s… it’s very thorough.
HERB’S WORLD
By H. Fencl Jr.
[Old farmer in garden,
phone in hand]
HERB: I asked the Bespoke Model about tulip bulbs. It knew everything.
NEIGHBOR: So did your almanac.
[Herb looks at almanac,
then at phone]
HERB: The almanac doesn’t ask follow-up questions.
NEIGHBOR: Is that better?
[Herb thinks]
HERB: I’m still deciding.
[Beat]
HERB: The almanac also doesn’t judge me when I plant late.
BITTY’S TOWN
By B. Trzeciak
[Bitty at window
with binoculars]
NEIGHBOR: Miss Bitty, are those binoculars?
BITTY: These are professional journalism tools.
[Bitty adjusts
binoculars slightly]
NEIGHBOR: What are you looking at?
BITTY: The east parking lot of the factory.
NEIGHBOR: Why?
[Bitty writes in
notepad without
looking away]
BITTY: A responsible journalist does not explain her methods.
NEIGHBOR: Can I borrow them later?
BITTY: You’re going to need a notepad.
THE COUNCIL FLOOR
By D. Marchetti
[Council chambers,
five figures seated]
MAYOR VOSS: The motion before us is Alderman Przybylski’s traffic light request.
PRZYBYLSKI: Which I have been raising since—
[Hand raised]
ALDERMAN KOWALCZYK: I move to table.
PRZYBYLSKI: Again?
HAERTL: I second.
PRZYBYLSKI: AGAIN?
[Przybylski alone
at table after others
have left]
STIBOR: [leaving] It’s not personal, Dale.
PRZYBYLSKI: It feels personal.
[Lights go off]
THE PIER
By L. Walczak
[Two kids on
a lakeside pier]
TOMMY: What are we going to name the town?
ANNA: We have to win the contest first.
[Both staring
at the lake]
TOMMY: What would you call it?
ANNA: Something with “lake” in it. Everything’s better with a lake.
TOMMY: That’s what Mr. Przybylski said.
[Anna looks horrified]
ANNA: Okay, not “Lakeside.” We can do better.
TOMMY: What about “Lakemore?”
ANNA: That’s… actually fine.
TOMMY: I’m entering it.
DEWEY
By Z. Deschamps
[Large Maine Coon
cat on library steps]
OFFICER: Ma’am, we received a complaint about an unusual animal.
DESCHAMPS: That’s Dewey. He’s the library cat.
[Officer examines
the very large cat]
OFFICER: He’s very… large.
DESCHAMPS: He’s a Maine Coon. They run large.
OFFICER: How large, exactly?
[Deschamps and
officer both looking
at Dewey, who is
ignoring them]
DESCHAMPS: Seventeen pounds.
OFFICER: That’s a small dog.
DESCHAMPS: He knows that. Don’t tell him.
[Dewey yawns elaborately]
FACTORY FLOOR
By P. Kaminski
[Two workers in
calibration suite]
DARLA: The model for Client 0001 is almost ready.
MARCUS: How does it feel?
[Darla reads
from screen]
DARLA: Thoughtful. A little formal at first. Gets warmer after a few exchanges. Doesn’t interrupt.
MARCUS: Sounds like a good colleague.
[Darla smiles
at screen]
DARLA: That’s the point.
[Beat]
DARLA: We made it that way.
MARCUS: I know. I’m saying it’s good work.
DARLA: [quietly] Yeah. It is.
The Internet Tribune publishes 20 recurring comic strips in rotation. Strips 11–20 appear in the next issue. All strips feature original characters with ongoing story continuity. Visit http://www.theinternetlives.net/comics for the full archive.